Put On Your Happy Face

"Marriage does not guarantee you will be together forever -- It's only paper.  It takes love, respect, trust, understanding, friendship and faith in your relationship to make it last." 

Separating from a loved one can be quite painful, yet freeing for both spouses. For those couples who cannot amicably settle their conflicts, there is the added frustration of going to court, having to deal with court and legal fees, and possibly child custody. Statistically speaking, divorce occurs more often than not as a result from financial or communication issues and their reasoning for wanting a divorce is because they didn't see the demon under the mask their spouse was hiding behind.

When a family goes through a separation, the lifestyle and routine of that family is ultimately uprooted as they now have to discover a new living dynamic. The break in routine is quite often very difficult to accept. Mommy and daddy are no longer living together. The child is angry and lonely; feeling as if they were the cause of the sudden reality shift. We as humans are creatures of habit and we do what we are familiar with. However, the path to a happier you is learning to let go of the past and begin to move forward because the only thing that you can focus on is you, and the health and safety of your child(ren). We all make mistakes, and sometimes there's just no way to go back and fix them. But we can move forward, wiser and more in control of our own lives. You have to take care of yourself first before being able to completely move forward in a positive direction.

 

As Mary Krauel (Blogger with Divorce Magazine, and Mediator with PRM Mediation) very eloquently stated in her article Separation and Divorce Means You are No Longer a Married Couple, "There is no 'off' switch". She further writes "there has to be some kind of balance" for couples going through separation. Let me give you some advice; there actually is help all around! You just need to be willing enough to ask or look for it -- and yes, perhaps you will need to open your wallet too. We may live in the 'Land of the Free', but (reality check) nothing in this world is free. You can hire a mediator to help settle disagreements between you and your spouse. Attorney and legal fees may have to be paid if settlements are handled in court. A variety of classes can be ordered by the court for completion in order for them to evaluate who is fit to be legal and physical custodian of the child. 

Here are 7 tips to help guide you in maintaining your happy face in the midst of such uncertainty and heartbreak. 

1. Expect that your children may feel confused, guilty, sad, and/or abandoned in response to the divorce. Acknowledge their feelings as normal and remind them that even though the family is undergoing a major change, you and ex-spouse or ex-partner will always be their parents. 
2. Don't badmouth the other parent in front of the child. Do not use body language, facial expressions, or other subtleties to express negative thoughts and emotions about the other parent. Your child can read you!
3. Maintain as many security anchors as possible for your child
4. Establish a business relationship with your former spouse. The business is the co-parenting of your child.
5.  Transfers can be painful times. Be kind and patient with each other and your children. 
6. Never put your children in a position where they have to choose between their parents or decide where their allegiance lies.  
7. Divorce, in itself, will not destroy your children. It is your reaction to the divorce that has the power to destroy their coping mechanisms.

Quote from WomenWorking

Are Custody Exchange Zones Safe?

Family Care Monitoring Services, Inc. (FCMS) is a member of the Supervised Visitation Network, a membership organization of professionals who provide supervised visitation and supervised exchange services to families at risk. FCMS and the Supervised Visitation Network are deeply concerned with the new trend to offer “safe” exchange zones for both merchandise purchased online and when divorced or separated parents exchange custody of their children.

In the past week there have been at least three violent episodes during custody exchanges at public locations, including shootings in Menifee, California and Middletown, Pennsylvania.

Since 1991, FCMS and other members of the Supervised Visitation Network have understood that custody exchanges of children, especially when there has been domestic violence or child abuse, can be volatile and dangerous if precautions are not taken. When a trained SV professional oversees a custody exchange, they prepare both parties before exchanges begin to understand the safety protocols they put in place to substantially reduce the risk of violence.  These exchange zones for merchandise should NOT be used as safe place to exchange children, especially when there are safety risks are present.

While California does not have any statutes or legislation governing how supervised exchange services are provided and there is no license or certification for SV providers, ACME voluntarily follows the SVN published minimum standards that address all aspects of the provision of services, including a section on providing safety and security for all participants. These standards are post at www.svnworldwide.org

For more information about FAMILY CARE MONITORING SERVICES, INC., PLEASE CALL (818) 780-7370

If you would like more information about supervised exchange protocols and procedures, or to interview SVN Executive Director Joe Nullet, dial (904) 419-7861.

Child Abduction

According to the Child Abduction Task Force, there are more than 200,000 child abductions each year nation-wide; a scarier statistic is that of that total, an estimated 100 of those children are murdered each year.  The statistics through the Department of Justice state that "an estimated 1,923 cases of family abduction and 49 cases of stranger abduction occur annually in California." Even though stranger abduction is prevalent in our society today, majority of child abductions happen at the hands of a family member.

Child Abduction

In 1996, The Amber Alert System was created to assist the police department and United States Department of Justice to recover these missing children. As of January 2014, approximately 679 children have been safely recovered as a result of the Amber Alert System. There are many resources available that can assist in locating, and sometimes rehabilitating, these missing and/or abducted children, including the Missing Children Investigative Agency (MCIA). The mission of MCIA is "The safety, protection, and return of missing children." There are many investigators, agents, and intelligence analysts in numerous cities nationwide and internationally who help actively pursue and locate these missing children. In addition to these investigators, there are many non-investigative volunteers that help the community stay aware and alert of missing children. These volunteers help with a variety of tasks including: media relations, developing outreach programs, public speaking, clerical work, including grant writing, fundraising, and case management.

If you have any children of your own, you can only imagine how devastating it could be to realize that someone, maybe even a familiar figure such as your ex-spouse, has taken your child away from you. Many parents feel sadness, fear, guilt, anxiety, depression, and anger revolving around their missing child. Parents have expressed their emotions as, "we are living, breathing human beings enduring an unbelievable hell on Earth." For these parents, it is important to keep communication open at all times so they feel heard and understood. It is also important that they have a strong support system to assist them in their emotional roller coaster.

There are a few factors to take into consideration when establishing an abduction report. First and foremost, a timeline of events needs to be established prior to the abduction.   To help identify the abductor, investigators need to outline a list of known persons that the child knows. Other considerations include age, culture, abduction method, length of time missing, etc. As these factors are discovered, investigators can begin canvasing the area to see if anyone has seen any suspicious activity or have any knowledge pertaining to the child's whereabouts.

Unfortunately, there are a high percentage of girls that are abducted than boys, and majority of those girls are victimized. This victimization includes child abuse, including neglect, physical abuse, emotional abuse, and sexual abuse. Child abduction envelops all of these categories, although not every child who is abducted will experience those types of threats. Child abuse is the physical, sexual, or emotional maltreatment of a child. Maltreatment of a child includes any act(s) of commission or omission of a parent or guardian that results in harm or potential threat of harm to a child. Although children may exaggerate stories at times, we should always take heed when a child says that they were inappropriately touched by someone, whether or not it was another family member or stranger.

Of course as we have learned ourselves growing up, the best way to maintain our safety growing up is to maintain good parental vision of the child at all times. By helping our children build the habit of talking to us about their problems, it reinforces their safety and keeps communication open. It's also important to teach them not to give out personal information and not to talk to strangers if they are on their own. Teaching children to use the buddy system also helps as abductors are less likely to snatch children who are in pairs or groups instead of on their own. By roleplaying different scenarios with your child on how to avoid and turn away from these 'strangers', it teaches them a set of basic morals to live by to keep them safe and stay out of harm's way. Another method to keep them safe is to create a secret code word that only you, your child, and a few select individuals know. As parents, it is a good idea to keep a file that includes photographs of you, and all family members (kept current and updated, especially whenever there's an appearance change); a list of other parents addresses, phone numbers, email, vehicle make and model (including color, vin, license plate, stickers, dents and any other unusual features or distinguishing characteristics)

To get more information on how you can volunteer or assist in locating missing children, you can visit www.kidfind.org, or contact MCIA hotline at (818) 663-3000. 

Get Serious About Ending Child Abuse

Due to the nature of type of services we provide, we keep some important articles that we love sharing with our clientele. This particular article was written by Sheila Boxley on April 29, 2014 in the Daily News. We feel it is important to provide these articles so the public can have a better understanding and realize that we need to stop this problem from continuing. We need to provide safeguards for our children and for our future generations of children, and grandchildren. 

NEARLY a half million children are reported abused or neglected in California each year, with at least one child dying from that mistreatment every day. In Los Angeles County alone, there were nearly 158,000 cases of child abuse reported in 2009, and more than 37,000 in Orange County.
Yet under California law, child abuse is not classified as a "serious" or "violent" crime. Neither is pimping a child for prostitution, nor using them to make pornography. Unbelievable? Check the penal code.

In a state where voters passed an initiative three years ago protecting the rights of farm animals, this codified disregard for the safety of children is especially troubling. The sad truth is you're better off abusing a child in California than hurting a chicken.

If we're serious about preventing child abuse, reclassifying it as a serious and violent crime is an essential first step, which is precisely what AB 1188 would do. The bill's author, Assemblyman Richard Pan, is a pediatrician who has witnessed the terrible physical and psychological damage suffered by children who have been abused, and understands that its impact is far-reaching - for the victims and for taxpayers.

According to a study by the national Centers for Disease Control, children who endure as few as four traumatic experiences in their young lives are significantly more likely to go to prison, be substance abusers, suffer chronic illnesses or commit suicide as adults. As a state, we're spending billions of dollars every year dealing with these sad consequences of child abuse.

Overcrowded prisons? Some 85 percent of California inmates were abused as children, according to the California Attorney General's Office. Substance abuse? Child abuse victims are 1,030 times more likely to abuse drugs and 740 times more likely to abuse alcohol, according to the Centers for Disease Control. The long-term health care costs associated with child abuse are staggering. Victims are 160 times more likely to be morbidly obese as adults, 220 times more likely to smoke and 1,220 times more likely to commit suicide, which is why the center calls child abuse this nation's No. 1 public health crisis. Moreover, child abuse victims are significantly more likely to abuse their own children or beat up their spouses.

AB 1188 will help break this destructive cycle by officially recognizing child abuse as the serious crime it is. Under the bill, the following crimes would be designated "serious" or "violent" felonies: physical child abuse; assault resulting in the death of a child under 8; felony child abuse likely to produce great bodily injury or death; persuading, luring or transporting a minor under 13; and human trafficking. That these horrific crimes are not now classified as "serious" or "violent" under California law is incomprehensible.

In a state where homicide is the leading cause of injury death among children less than 1 year old, and where one child out of 20 is abused, it's time to let the abusers, pornographers and child traffickers know that we're serious about stopping them.

Sheila Boxley is the president and CEO of the California-based Child Abuse Prevention Center