Help Us Help You

With school now back in session, we have been experiencing issues with clients regarding their regular visitation schedules. Some parents are unwilling to be flexible with the scheduled visitation time that is court ordered, or needs to be made up due to previously cancelled visits; both parents making excuses to cancel or not allow visitation schedules to proceed; etc. All of these could be construed as symptoms of possible problematic situations for both the Custodial parent (CP) and Non-custodial parent (NCP).

It is our job to do our best to facilitate the court ordered visits. Problematic situations can arise on occasion, but we do manage to work them out. It is not our job to put ourselves in the middle of our client’s feuds. We have to refer them back to their attorney’s to get assistance in getting them back on track.

It is our job to receive a completed intake package from each parent or party to the action. Not only is this a requirement of the court standard, but it is necessary for us to do our job. Our service coordinator will go over the intake with you either over the phone or in person, however we recommend coming into the monitoring facility to get a feel for the environment and to get a complete understanding of the service we provide.

We always encourage the custodial parent to check out the facility with their child, so they are able to feel comfortable and at ease with the rooms, and have a chance to play. We will also intake the child if they are old enough to understand. At that point in time, we also advise the child that if they at all feel uncomfortable, they can say a passphrase (that is created before the visitation schedule starts) to the monitor to notify them that they need to step away from the current situation. At that time then the monitor will inquire as to what made them uncomfortable and see how it can be improved.

We also need copies of current court orders, temporary restraining orders, or any other court documents that give us the important information that we are required to have and to pass on to each active monitor on the case. It is important that we receive all copies of past and current court orders so we can gather the background history. Details such as flight risk, domestic abuse, and relationship history is all imperative for us to understand how to handle your case, however it does not stop there. There are many times when a court order is not complete -- or rather, the court order is quite vague. For example, the Court may have ordered 4 hours of visitation time per week for the non-custodial parent. The service coordinator needs to then reach out to both parents to reach a mutual agreement on visitation times. With school starting back up, that puts limits on the days that the child is available. 

It is also important to be reminded that although we try to offer a family friendly visitation environment, it may not always be that way. Sometimes the children may not be having a good day and the NCP needs to be aware and open to that possibility. They must always allow the children to say what they need to and not over react. The monitor will find a way to re-direct the conversation if what the child is saying becomes hurtful and causes the non-custodial parent to overreact. In this type of environment, the families are in a fish bowl. Having people look into your family privacy and lifestyle can feel pretty awkward. Our monitors are not mediators; they are to remain neutral at all times, and not take sides with either parent or show any type of preferential treatment. They are present to provide a neutral environment to ensure the safety of all persons on a visitation.

Put On Your Happy Face

"Marriage does not guarantee you will be together forever -- It's only paper.  It takes love, respect, trust, understanding, friendship and faith in your relationship to make it last." 

Separating from a loved one can be quite painful, yet freeing for both spouses. For those couples who cannot amicably settle their conflicts, there is the added frustration of going to court, having to deal with court and legal fees, and possibly child custody. Statistically speaking, divorce occurs more often than not as a result from financial or communication issues and their reasoning for wanting a divorce is because they didn't see the demon under the mask their spouse was hiding behind.

When a family goes through a separation, the lifestyle and routine of that family is ultimately uprooted as they now have to discover a new living dynamic. The break in routine is quite often very difficult to accept. Mommy and daddy are no longer living together. The child is angry and lonely; feeling as if they were the cause of the sudden reality shift. We as humans are creatures of habit and we do what we are familiar with. However, the path to a happier you is learning to let go of the past and begin to move forward because the only thing that you can focus on is you, and the health and safety of your child(ren). We all make mistakes, and sometimes there's just no way to go back and fix them. But we can move forward, wiser and more in control of our own lives. You have to take care of yourself first before being able to completely move forward in a positive direction.

 

As Mary Krauel (Blogger with Divorce Magazine, and Mediator with PRM Mediation) very eloquently stated in her article Separation and Divorce Means You are No Longer a Married Couple, "There is no 'off' switch". She further writes "there has to be some kind of balance" for couples going through separation. Let me give you some advice; there actually is help all around! You just need to be willing enough to ask or look for it -- and yes, perhaps you will need to open your wallet too. We may live in the 'Land of the Free', but (reality check) nothing in this world is free. You can hire a mediator to help settle disagreements between you and your spouse. Attorney and legal fees may have to be paid if settlements are handled in court. A variety of classes can be ordered by the court for completion in order for them to evaluate who is fit to be legal and physical custodian of the child. 

Here are 7 tips to help guide you in maintaining your happy face in the midst of such uncertainty and heartbreak. 

1. Expect that your children may feel confused, guilty, sad, and/or abandoned in response to the divorce. Acknowledge their feelings as normal and remind them that even though the family is undergoing a major change, you and ex-spouse or ex-partner will always be their parents. 
2. Don't badmouth the other parent in front of the child. Do not use body language, facial expressions, or other subtleties to express negative thoughts and emotions about the other parent. Your child can read you!
3. Maintain as many security anchors as possible for your child
4. Establish a business relationship with your former spouse. The business is the co-parenting of your child.
5.  Transfers can be painful times. Be kind and patient with each other and your children. 
6. Never put your children in a position where they have to choose between their parents or decide where their allegiance lies.  
7. Divorce, in itself, will not destroy your children. It is your reaction to the divorce that has the power to destroy their coping mechanisms.

Quote from WomenWorking

A Guide for Loved Ones of Sexual Assault Victims

Authored by: Steve Johnson

Victims of sexual assault have so much to process and cope with after the violence ends that they can struggle for years to heal and approach life in a confident, positive way. The trauma of sexual assault takes a great deal of time to overcome because of the mental, physical, and spiritual effects on the victim. Sadly, sexual assault is closely linked to suicide: approximately 33% of rape victims have suicidal thoughts and 13% of rape victims attempt suicide. Loved ones of sexual assault victims need to be aware of the warning signs of psychological and emotional effects and substance abuse that can lead to suicide and of the best practices for supporting victims so they can help them heal, cope, and live in healthy ways.

Psychological and Emotional Effects of Sexual Assault and Rape

Sexual violence has psychological and emotional effects on survivors. These effects often include depression, flashbacks, and post-traumatic stress disorder.

• Depression – A mood disorder that occurs when feelings of sadness and hopelessness continue for extended periods of time, depression affects a person’s behavior and relationships with others. While it is normal for sexual assault survivors to feel sad and hopeless, it is not normal for those feelings to persist for long periods of time. Depression is a serious disorder, and if you suspect that your loved one is suffering from depression, you should encourage her to get help from a professional.

Signs and symptoms of depression include prolonged sadness and unexplained crying episodes, significant weight changes or changes in appetite, loss of energy, persistent fatigue, drastic changes in sleep patterns, loss of interest in activities, social withdrawal, feelings of worthlessness or hopelessness, and unexplained physical aches and pains. To help the sexual assault survivor, you could look into getting a service dog that is specially trained to help with anxiety and depression.

• Flashbacks – Flashbacks occur when memories of a previous trauma feel as though they are taking place in the present. For survivors, it can feel like the sexual violence is happening again and again, and they feel as though their assailant is physically present. While flashbacks are a typical response to trauma, there are steps a survivor can take to manage them:
• Remind the sexual assault survivor that the feeling is not real and it will pass.
• Remind the survivor she is strong and survived the first time and will survive the flashbacks.
• Help the survivor breathe in and out slowly and deliberately. She should concentrate on taking deep breaths.
• Help the survivor establish where she really is by using her senses to bring her back to reality. Help her use her senses to come back to the present.
• Move the survivor to a place that makes her feel secure and comfortable.

• Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder – Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can occur in anyone as a result of a traumatic event. Survivors of sexual violence experience unusual stress, fear, anxiety, and nervousness, but when they become extreme and make it difficult to function day to day, the survivor most likely is suffering from PTSD. One study found that nearly 33% of rape victims develop PTSD at some point. Symptoms of PTSD include repeated thoughts of the assault, memories, nightmares, avoiding situations relating to the assault, negative changes in thoughts and feelings, irritability, difficulty sleeping and concentrating, and jumpiness.

Substance Abuse and Sexual Assault

Substance abuse is a concern for victims of sexual assault. Women often report using substances to control symptoms that arise as a result of the assault. In fact, sexual assault victims turn to drugs and alcohol as a coping mechanism: one study found that rape victims are three to four times more likely to use marijuana, six times more likely to use cocaine, and ten times more likely to use other drugs as non-victims.

There are warning signs of drug abuse that loved ones should be aware of if they are concerned that a sexual assault victim is abusing drugs or alcohol. Be vigilant if she is irritable, has sudden mood swings, is forgetful or clumsy, skips work or other regular activities, lies or avoids eye contact, loses interest in personal appearance or activities she once loved, has a major appetite changes, has extreme or sudden change in friends, suddenly asks to borrow money, or becomes angry and abusive.

Emotional and psychological effects of sexual assault and substance abuse are manageable for a sexual assault victim, especially if she has loving and supportive family and friends. By being aware of the warning signs and knowing how to offer support to a sexual assault victim, you can help her avoid suicidal thoughts and behaviors.

Steve Johnson co-created PublicHealthLibrary.org as part of a school project. He and a fellow pre-med student enjoyed working on the site so much that they decided to keep it going. Their goal is to make PublicHealthLibrary.org one of the go-to sources for health and medical information on the web.

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